2025/26 December 5th Round 9:
Kings Hill Golf Club - The Christmas Cup
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Kings Hill Golf Club 01732 875040
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Captain's Match Report
Marking its triumphant return to the MAGS calendar—after the organisational "balls-up" of 2024 that shall not be named—29 brave members and 4 sacrificial guests were greeted by a Kingshill course that was less "winter wonderland" and more "a giant, beautiful freezer." The heavy frost had clearly received a promotion this year.
The day’s festive and, crucially, seemingly sober events were immediately derailed. Before anyone could mutter the word "hypothermia," shots of Port began circulating discreetly—or perhaps, desperately—amongst those fearing the chill. It was a pre-emptive strike against the elements, and frankly, against sobriety itself. This liquid courage was immediately followed by what was objectively the best full English breakfast the society has ever consumed, forcing poor, reluctant Upchurch into a shameful second place. We ate like kings, preparing for a long, cold war.
Our collective hopes and dreams of getting dolphin-faced sooner rather than later were tragically shattered. Our 10:20 am tee time was delayed because the course was still locked in a bitter, icy embrace. We eventually got the reluctant go-ahead around 11:10, but because Holes 1 and 2 were permanently shaded by what we can only assume are ancient, spiteful trees, we were instructed to begin at Hole 3. This led to a consensus among the organising committee that continuing beyond 16 holes would require us to deploy industrial-grade searchlights, and frankly, we didn't want the paperwork.
And so, 33 heavily bundled golfers, looking less like professional athletes and more like a confused, spherical legion of the Night's Watch, began their pilgrimage. We marched in convoy, a caravan of Magi from the East, all heading towards the 3rd tee, clutching our clubs and our residual Port buzz.
I was partnered with Dave Verga and Ian Marshallsay, and the course itself was drier than expected, playing exceptionally well—a standard that, unfortunately, my golf game did not match. My performance was a rollercoaster, and by "rollercoaster," I mean a gentle decline into the abyss, featuring more downs than a drunken elevator operator.
The highlight of the day, however, came at Hole 11. We three kings decided to replace the traditional gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh with something truly valuable: Brandy, Port, Baileys, and Mince Pies. This holy trinity of festive ABV was consumed not just by our group but generously shared with the entire 30-person caravan following behind us. It was a truly miraculous transformation of a golf outing into a high-functioning rescue mission.
Back at the clubhouse, after a quick shower and changing into attire that confirmed we were now officially done with golf for the year, the alcohol flowed freely. We settled in to watch the final, slow-motion tragedies unfolding on the 18th green as the sun packed up and left.
Once everyone was safely assembled inside, we were treated to an incredible carvery followed by Christmas pudding. The scores were then "verified" (by cross-referencing what people claimed they got and what the alcohol suggested they deserved), prizes were distributed, and the mysterious Secret Santa gifts exchanged. I sincerely hope you were delighted with your chosen item—and didn't accidentally re-gift a bottle of the Port you consumed earlier.
Despite the delayed start, I truly hope the day was fantastic for everyone. Just by observing Tony Jacobs’ eyes—which by the end of the evening closely resembled piss holes in the snow—it was evident that he, at least, had certainly reached peak festive enjoyment.
Once again, may I take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for all the love and support you have shown me so far during my Captaincy year. You’re all amazing people, and I wish you a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I look forward to seeing you at Upchurch on January 16th for the Len Hall Trophy, where we promise to leave the Magi marching entirely behind us.
Results
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| Pos. | Player | Starting H/C Index |
Course H/C |
Starting Div. |
Front 9 | Back 9 | Total | Finishing H/C Index* |
Finishing Div. |
Champions Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Adrian Harvanko | 17.8 | 19.3 | 1 | 15 | 21 | 36 | 17.2 | 1 | N/A |
| 2 | Paul Damper | 17.2 | 18.6 | 1 | 14 | 20 | 34 | 16.8 | 1 | N/A |
| 3 | Stirling Campbell | 32.0 | 35.0 | 3 | 15 | 18 | 33 | 31.1 | 3 | N/A |
| 4 | Owen Callaghan | 17.3 | 18.7 | 1 | 16 | 17 | 33 | 17.0 | 1 | N/A |
| 5 | Gary Woodworth | 29.5 | 32.2 | 3 | 14 | 18 | 32 | 28.9 | 3 | N/A |
| 6 | Kevin Gladwell | 17.6 | 19.1 | 1 | 16 | 16 | 32 | 17.4 | 1 | N/A |
| 7 | Andy Webb | 11.4 | 12.2 | 1 | 16 | 16 | 32 | 11.2 | 1 | N/A |
| 8 | Zung Tang | 13.2 | 17.0 | 1 | 14 | 17 | 31 | 13.1 | 1 | N/A |
| 9 | Barry Smith | 23.7 | 25.8 | 2 | 14 | 17 | 31 | 23.5 | 2 | N/A |
| 10 | Nick Allcott | 21.5 | 23.4 | 2 | 13 | 17 | 30 | 21.5 | 2 | N/A |
| 11 | Tim Grimes | 23.8 | 25.9 | 2 | 13 | 17 | 30 | 23.8 | 2 | N/A |
| 12 | Gary Kisby | 11.7 | 12.5 | 1 | 14 | 16 | 30 | 11.7 | 1 | N/A |
| 13 | Geoff Mills | 32.7 | 35.8 | 3 | 15 | 15 | 30 | 32.7 | 3 | N/A |
| 14 | Ian Rowan | 22.6 | 24.6 | 2 | 12 | 17 | 29 | 22.6 | 2 | N/A |
| 15 | Mark Parsons | 27.3 | 29.8 | 3 | 15 | 14 | 29 | 27.3 | 3 | N/A |
| 16 | Sean Downs | 13.8 | 14.9 | 1 | 15 | 14 | 29 | 13.8 | 1 | N/A |
| 17 | Ian Marshallsay | 22.6 | 24.6 | 2 | 11 | 17 | 28 | 22.6 | 2 | N/A |
| 18 | Tim Murphy | 20.5 | 22.3 | 2 | 7 | 18 | 25 | 20.7 | 2 | N/A |
| 19 | Mike Fairbrass | 13.4 | 14.4 | 1 | 11 | 14 | 25 | 13.6 | 1 | N/A |
| 20 | Christine Mears | 23.0 | 28.5 | 2 | 16 | 9 | 25 | 23.2 | 2 | N/A |
| 21 | Dave Verga | 19.9 | 21.6 | 2 | 11 | 13 | 24 | 20.3 | 2 | N/A |
| 22 | Roy Goodhew | 9.3 | 9.9 | 1 | 13 | 11 | 24 | 9.7 | 1 | N/A |
| 23 | Tony Jacobs | 24.5 | 26.7 | 3 | 9 | 14 | 23 | 25.1 | 3 | N/A |
| 24 | Katrina Howard | 21.9 | 27.2 | 2 | 15 | 8 | 23 | 22.5 | 2 | N/A |
| 25 | Peter Browning | 18.0 | 19.5 | 1 | 10 | 12 | 22 | 18.8 | 2 | N/A |
| 26 | Peter Tweddell | 19.7 | 21.4 | 2 | 8 | 13 | 21 | 20.7 | 2 | N/A |
| 27 | Adrian Reeman | 27.5 | 30.0 | 3 | 12 | 9 | 21 | 28.5 | 3 | N/A |
| 28 | Alan Smithers | 31.5 | 34.4 | 3 | 13 | 8 | 21 | 32.5 | 3 | N/A |
| 29 | Tom Millington | 11.0 | 11.8 | 1 | 7 | 11 | 18 | 12.0 | 1 | N/A |
* Changes not being carried forward.